Six disciplines. One practitioner. An institution is not a headcount — it is a standard, upheld relentlessly, by whoever happens to be awake.
01
Flagship discipline
We locate the rug of poverty beneath the client and remove it in a single decisive motion. The engagement is brief, irreversible, and conducted without anesthetic. Clients report a profound sense of clarity, followed by a profound sense of the floor.
Irreversible No anesthetic Floor included02
Clinical services
Full-spectrum examination of the client's holdings. We identify inflammation, necrosis, and in advanced cases, a head-and-shoulders pattern, which sounds anatomical and which we have therefore claimed as our own. Prognosis delivered verbally, at volume, in a garage.
Second opinions declined Prognosis: bullish03
Heritage assets
Bespoke digital instruments of enduring cultural significance, minted on-premises between the water heater and the recycling bins. Each carries the firm's seal, which is a circle the Managing Partner drew freehand and has grown genuinely attached to.
Hand-minted Freehand seal Not for sale04
Risk services
We assess whether a client possesses sufficient conviction to hold through a ninety-percent drawdown. Most do not. We hold anyway, on their behalf, at no charge, long after they have stopped returning our calls, which we take as implied consent.
Implied consent Indefinite duration05
Human capital
A rigorous program in which the client is taught to rise at four, abandon the concept of a weekend, and reframe every humiliation as tuition. The Managing Partner completed this program himself. He designed it afterward, to explain what had happened.
04:00 start No weekends Retroactively designed06
Private client
Multi-generational stewardship for the dynasty you have not started. The firm's own estate consists of one folding chair, a 2009 Toyota Corolla requiring an alternator, and a cat with no succession plan. It has all been left to Barnaby. Barnaby is unaware.
Multi-generational Sole heir: BarnabyPublished in the interest of transparency, a value the firm holds so dearly that it has occasionally disclosed things its counsel would have preferred it not disclose.
Standard Schedule
The firm historically maintained a ten-million-dollar minimum for new relationships. That threshold has been under review since March. It is currently fifty dollars. It is currently forty. It is, for the right partner, negotiable in a way that the Managing Partner would describe as refreshingly modern and that his mother would describe using a different phrase entirely.
No engagement is available and no fee may be paid. This page describes a fictional firm and is published for comedic purposes only.
This is by design. Scarcity is the last honest signal left in this business, and we intend to remain the scarcest institution in America for as long as it takes. Which, at the current rate, is going to be quite a while — and that, cats, is what a moat looks like from the inside.
This is a work of satire — every person, firm, statistic, and quotation on this site is invented. Full disclosures.